Judge Not Less You Be Judged? Why Can't we Engage in Compassionate, Critical Conversation Regarding Religion and Our Personal Experiences

Back in December John Halsted wrote “TheFirst Commandment of Paganism: “Thou Shalt Not Judge” (and whythis is a problem)”, a brilliant, controversial piece that you should read if you aren't familiar with it. I've been thinking about the piece in detail for a few days now and decided there are some points that are worth sharing.

Actually that's my first point. I read the piece, I reacted to it in the privacy of my own mind, I straightened my thoughts out till I was happy with them and no longer in the position of sensitively clinging to them, and now I'm releasing them to a wider audience for their review and potential feed back. As a writer, this is a process I am intimately familiar with and used to.

First I write. Then, I adjust, review, and attack it with my own internal critic. I consider it's merit—and sometimes it's only meant for me or a small audience. Sometimes it's ready, but I'm too emotionally invested in it to stand critique.

Sometimes hours and sometimes months after creation, I release my writing for others to consider. I can of course continue to write and adapt my style on me own in a void without other input, but for the most part, I've grown the most in my writing and thought patterns through comments and suggestions from others.

I think the process merges perfectly with one's ability to evaluate others religious experiences.

That said let me drop a few disclaimers:

1   .Writing revision is not always done alone. Sometimes writing is done in teams or small groups where they limit judgment to help to improve the creative process and encourage each other to come forward with authenticity. To me, this is where/how we create safe spaces to listen to experiences of others without deconstructing. There is definitely a place in the process for safe space—I just do not belief this space should be the end goal or the default.\

2.  Not all critics are equal. Just because someone has feedback for you does not make it valuable on the face of it. I might encourage people to listen to all the feed back but that's not the same as incorporating it all. Even a qualified person may not have feedback that is relevant to your interpretation or experience, which is cool. Sometimes all we are meant to take from critique is a better understanding of what we emphasize and what others emphasize.

3.   There does need to be space between ritual and critique. Creating and performing group ritual is a leap of faith and trust. Creating solitary ritual can be a leap in faith and trust. Beyond that, ritual is a living breathing thing. It doesn't just happen and release immediately. It needs time to be and do. I've had rituals that felt like duds or felt stilted in performance but were powerful in return. Perhaps I wasn't meant to have my moment of the profound in ritual, but to experience it in pieces in my actual life. I've had experiences that were profound and continued to be deeply impacting for months afterward. How could I have given a constructive critique right off the nose? Further, though this has never happened for me, I am willing to believe that I could be part of a ritual with deep meaning for another that has no meaning for myself. And I am more than willing to perform work that is transformative for another with no benefit for myself, actually opening a ritual up to feed back so I know what another experienced would for me, be helpful to know what I'm doing “right” or “well” for them as well as myself. I would think instead of forbidding critique each group needs to state a time when they will be open to receiving said information. Or, if ritual is too personal to give feedback on directly, perhaps work-shopping past formats or generic formats for ritual.

We as pagans do not like to censor. We do not like to shut others down. I've often gotten the impression from pagans that we believe the judging state is a lower state of mind we have risen above. To facilitate this 'upward' movement, we tell ourselves lies like 'what does it matters if Bobby Q Crazy believes or does that in his practice?' he isn't hurting me. This statement IS NOT universally true and without critical review there is no way to discern which is harmless difference and which is dangerous.

To take from P. Sufenas Virius Lupus comment below John's writing he offers: “Three people see the same person walking toward them. A police officer describes them as "a mid-forties Asian male of average height and weight." A student describes them as "that quirky biology teacher who wears bow ties and sings Led Zeppelin tunes while doing labs." A daughter describes them as "daddy." All of them are right. All of them are interpreting this person based on their own experiences (or lack thereof) with them, their feelings about them, and so forth. If you started to criticize the daughter's description as incomplete or not the best interpretation because it's too personal and puts too much emphasis on her prior experiences with that person, and thus her biases and "orthodoxies" (so to speak!) that are based in her own particular context--i.e. the "echo chamber" of family life for her, her parents and siblings--how can that feel like anything other than critiquing her long history of experience with that person (who is her father)? “

I agree with his point, and in the case if these three perceptions all are true and acceptable and safe. While there might be further discussion with the daughter on what else “daddy” is or is not, and there might be discussion on what each job means to each person, no individual is wrong or should be scolded or whatever negative it is we're worried about happening.

I'd like to extend the example so I can highlight the potential for danger. What about the police officer's partner who saw the mid-forties Asian male of average height and weight with a weapon in his hand, who may or may not act based off of the perception of a weapon? Are we supposed to wait until the officer shoots and hurts someone to address his mistaken impression (assuming it's mistaken, which based off the three other witnesses who mention nothing in the man's hand, its safe to at least consider)? Granted in this scenario, there may be no other option, but this isn't the case in faith. We don't have to wait until someone does something extreme to intervene. We can not be so afraid to judge or interpret a person's experience that we don't step in when what the person is saying may lead to self harm, or dangerous action. Granted, we might have a long debate on what is harmful action. I suspect the pro and con modern medicine folks have a lot to work out before we can set real guidelines.

I further suspect that mental stability is very touchy in the pagan community and as such plays a complicated role in judging or not judging others experiences. Mental illness and the pagan community are not topics I'd like to combined into subject matter for group sharing at this point in my thought process because I'm certain to bungle it terribly. I will say that mental health and paganism has been muddy waters in great quantity because we as a community were misunderstood by the larger modern society, a problem the psychological community is still rectifying, but that doesn't mean that paganism doesn't have it's share of truly mentally ill people whom I worry we don't provide the correct support for.

Another argument I hear a lot to critically discussing religious experience is “who are you to tell me what I saw/heard/felt/know”. I am no one in particular. I consider myself someone with above average intelligence, good listening skills, and sometimes good insight, but I don't have like a special license or qualification for it. Still, we seek advice from unqualified people all the time. I talk with strangers fairly often in line to check out or while looking at items and ask them for advice on clothing or where to go to find X kind of food and do they like their dance instructor and tell me more about their home school program. I know this is all minor stuff, but I've had strangers come up to me and tell me their mother passed a week ago and they are having trouble dealing with it, or that they are pregnant they don't know what to do or that they're taking care of their kid's baby and their kid is into drugs and they don't know what to do. You do not always have to be qualified to help and sometimes as apparently was the case for these people who chose to confide in me, being silent was more damaging than sharing with another person.

What's key here is that I did not go to these people and demand they share and I never claimed authority when talking to them. They came to me and laid their situation out in the open with little more than a pleasant greeting to grease the wheels. People need and want feedback and will take it from almost anyone in desperation. I think the way we present the space to offer feedback, the polish of the feedback we give so it can be critical but not cruel, thoughtful but not condescending, compassionate but firm is far more important and interesting a conversation than whether or not we should judge others.  

Pagan Coffee Update

I find pagan coffee to be a very conflicting situation for me. I love the idea of a bunch of pagans showing up for coffee on Sunday and shooting the shit. I like to hear about how the others are doing, even though we almost never talk about our religions. The occasional reference is often enough.  That we enjoy the same activities, have sympathy for similar causes, and can mutually (mostly anyhow there's always go to be a few bad folks) respect where each  of us comes from job and resource wise is most of what I need in a community.

In truth, I find if someone starts talking about their religious experience in any depth during coffee meetup, I get uncomfortable. Part of me is always watching our venue, and while it's no secret we're a pagan meetup and where we meet is very relaxed, I worry about how public a space it is to talk faith. I don't know what makes me worried. Am I worried that someone else will be offended? Am I worried that we'll be judged? Am I worried we'll look dumb to strangers? Why do I have this need for privacy and a deep feeling of protectiveness over my faith? I know I don't want to share what I think or experienced in a coffee shop but I don't know why I feel that way.

When I share my faith in person, it's always in the privacy of a home or living area and it's often intimate between two or three people not a group of thirteen-ish people. There is a background of my experience already understood as I understand those three of so people's experiences. So when they talk about seeing fairies, or about their preference for natural remedies or their meditation I don't have a ton of follow up questions or corrections.

In pagan coffee meet up, I don't have the luxury of all this complete understanding and when people speak often times I feel the urge to correct or seek to clarify but I bite down on it. I don't want to offend them or invalidate their experience no matter how bonkers is sounded.  Seriously, last week this guy went on a long rant about how depression can be cured with diet and exercise and how his medication made him into and I quote an "emotional zombie" and that it was just the stuff he would ask to take if "he ever wanted to go on a killing spree".  And I'm sorry he had a bad experiences with medication and perhaps in his case they doctors were too quick to write a prescription, but what he just said about how depression is pretty much all in your head and lifestyle shows that he KNOWS NOTHING about depression.  People sometimes feel down for no reason and yeah you can change that with vitamins and exercise or better yet a diet change.  Doing this can benefit a depressed person too, but if you're in the throws of actual clinical depression, you need minimally counseling and you may need medication at least to help jump start you.  As a person who has depression, social anxiety and a few other nervous disorders I can tell you it's not rational and it's not something more iron and b12 and some st john's wart will fix.  Yes I am currently medication free and I struggle at least two or three times a week to keep balance and I have an amazing social support system between my family and my mate who work with me to keep my above water.  I know the balance is very precarious.  Of course this same guy took one b12 pill once ever and immediately felt very sleepy which he believes is because the b12 produced so much energy regeneration for him that he had to take a healing nap to aid the cell regeneration going on in his body.  Perhaps I shouldn't let him rile me so with how he intersperses jung-ish gods, meditation, and holistic diet.

I figure the people there all feel I'm a pagan newb because when asked about my faith I brush it off as an eclectic pagan with ties to local gods and generally refuse to elaborate. It's so odd to me that I can write down and post about my experiences with my gods but if you want me to speak the words in front of an actual group of real people watching me my throat closes in anxiety. My face gets red and sweaty, I stammer and I can't hold eye contact with anyone. I mean it can't be that I'm afraid to share, because I do in perfect detail online, perhaps it's not being able to control exactly every aspect of what I say, or maybe it's just my social anxiety? I'm not verbose in the friendly large crowd about begin things let alone religion.

Of course, in some ways I find pagan group even more isolating because I don't see common ground in my practice and their's---and of course my own silence makes it hard for me to go out finding common ground.

A few weeks ago we had a new comer in our group. She's moved back to Alabama from Alaska, where she was part of a very active pagan community. She wanted to hear everyone's variety of paganism and she wanted to really talk about magic and faith. The group as a whole was not largely responsive to her entreaties. I could see her deflate a little and head back into herself some. She told us in the beginning that she wasn't sure how often she'd be able to come down because of how far she had to travel, but I feel like she probably won't come back based off of her experience with us vs what she's seeking.

I felt bad for her and was annoyed with her at the same time. We share the desire for a book group or a specific course of say divination or aligning with nature or perhaps different styles of spell crafting—though I think our styles are too different to share a group of that kind. And I was annoyed because she has that outgoing demanding personality that made me feel certain that while she wouldn't be able to get that with us she would seek until she had what she wanted. I'd still be sitting here with pagan coffee group more or less never speaking, hoping that I'd get comfortable and some magic force of will would make it so I was able to connect with these people. It's true that as I get to know them I feel like I could connect with some of them in meaningful friendship levels—which is new in my adult life too-- but I don't think we have enough in common for there ever to be a group ritual or for there to be a study group reading the same book and I'm sorry about that.

I've identified a new-ish woman in the group who may practice with me, but I think we'd have to take turns creating rituals in our respective paths style—which I'm good with as a start, but I'd love to actually have community where we could all be on the same page about what we are practicing and why we are practicing instead of just bringing respectful presence to ritual.

I guess I should count myself lucky that I have a pagan community and that they welcome me and that we could even have the potential for respectful shared ritual space. It all comes in time right? That of course doesn't make the wait any less frustrating.

The Pagan Vibe Opting In

I'm going to pagan meetup this morning.  I go every other week when I don't work because part of me really  really needs more community here in the south.  I'm a reflective, nature loving, sensitive, socially liberal woman in an area where as a whole I've noticed the people are kinder but usually less reflective and often wrongly categorized as less smart (even by me when I'm being lazy or when I'm in a fit of temper).  Long story short people here are even less like me than they were up north.  They are kind, they allow me to exist but often just as I'm getting comfortable with a person they start railing against abortion, talking earnestly about creationism, or the new hot button topic to hate Obamacare.  There are conversations I don't want to have, especially not in a "casual" setting where there is literally no way for me to shut these folks when they don't accept "I don't want to talk about that" or "we have to agree to disagree".

So I go to pagan coffee and we sit down and talk about nothing and everything.  Several people their open carry to coffee, they still rail against Obamacare, and their traditions are nothing like mine (last time I went someone even mistakenly said I was an eclectic without any practice--eclectic yes but I practice and experience the divine just fine).  You know what though, in the midst of this online battle of pagans not treating each other like we are all on the same side, these people do teat me well--like I am a welcomed guest.  We don't practice the same, but we already know that and we make space to listen to each other.  We don't have the same values, but we come to the table to express ideas earnestly, and we listen to out opposition as if the other person had a rational thinking mind and was able to come to their own equally responsible decision on a topic, even if we have to agree to disagree. 

That's my version of a pagan unifying theme.  We're a whole bunch of people who you know what honestly don't fit together most of the time.  We may look a like to an outsider (and my group doesn't even do that) but we have depths that divide us as deeply.  It's like ocean, sure we categorize it  all the same but what it's like at the surface vs the bottom is not the same--the sea floor is like it's own world really.

What unifies us is that we decided we wanted community.  We decided we were going to come together and do all the things you have to do to develop community like listen to each other and have genuinely open conversation.  We've decided to build on what we have in common, a love of the outdoors, in our case a sense of environmental responsibility (though I will say it is NOT religious for everyone), and an enjoyment of crafting/art creation. 

If opting in and being a good host is what makes us a pagan community, I can live with that.  It's more than some people have.  But it means that we as a whole do need to listen better to each other and think more before writing in our online community.  There are a million blogs I enjoy reading, but I realized that I don't consider a lot of them contributions to the pagan community and I've seen others that are contributions, even needed criticism that are treated as attacks. We don't have to agree and that's awesome because we aren't going to agree.  We don't have to choose kindness every time, but I would love to see more people stop to think.  As pagans we are only have community if we opt in.  What does opting in mean to you?  And how do you choose to approach someone forging as you are, to create common group and an open welcoming community?

Weekly Tarot Share

I work a lot with tarot cards, for more on why I do that I have a post called: Why I Use Tarot.  This post is more of my attempt to bring my experience with tarot into the discussion here.  The following is the daily reading I've done for myself today.

Four Messages to Carry With me Today Per the Halloween Tarot  (review of tarot at aeclectic):

The Star: This card is thought of as the calm after the storm of the Tower. I've faced the unreality or intentional self deceptions with in my life plans (hopefully-I've tried to be very realistic, but I never know for sure until I'm knee deep in a mess) and what's left is the hope, inspiration, and beginnings of a new strong project. I believe that this card is talking about my blog directly here. I've wanted to write one one about religion for a while, and I've spent a few months looking up different ways to go about writing, getting my thoughts out to a larger audience successfully, how to online network, how I can do this and still work a full time job and live an active offline life. It's daunting, but a series of events in my personal life have signaled that now is the time.

So today, like the star card is a day of new beginnings, of hope, and creativity. My energy is focused on the spiritual/divine aspect in the this card more than the social and structural aspects of actually starting a successful blog. I know I have to face those and work as hard, perhaps harder on those ends, but in writing this post and drawing my cards, I have no choice but to turn inward and hear what it before me instead of what would make the best post or what I could drive people here with.

Two of Pumpkins: The two of pentacles (pumpkins in this deck) should be my repeating life theme. The card signifies that I am juggling two very differing aspects of my life trying to find balance and sure footing between two objects or ideas that need my time and attention. This particular deck shows a literal light hearted juggler balancing two pumpkins but if you look at the expression on the juggler's face, you will see her smile is very similar to a frown of concentration. Disaster can strike if she drops what she is managing. In the real world we often perceive a disastrous end to the “show” if we drop the ball too, but it is important to remember, that a good juggler, can drop everything in the act and recover for a huge audience applause at the end.

It seems I always have one foot in the intangible world and one in the real world. It's probably my major life struggle to balance this pull I feel towards an ideal life path and the reality it takes to get there. If money were no object, I know I'd float away in hypothetical and religious intangibles and never look back. I'd be happier and my life would be easier, but I think that I would lose my connection to others whom are struggling in much the same way. I don't always feel this way, especially when this card comes up, but my connection to something more than myself is a huge gift that I may use for positive change, so long as I don't drift too far into ether that I no long can relate to others.

This card is a huge message for me because I'd love to get lost in what I love, where I feel confident, and in work I feel I was placed here to do. However, to survive, I need to reserve some focus for my day job and for the people who are put in front of me and what their needs are. I have a lot to contribute, but I can't get so caught up in contributing my thoughts and experiences that I neglect the finances and people who have made it possible for me to speak up.

Ten of Pumpkins: This card shows a child wandering blindfolded towards an unknown object which he hopes to swing at, hit, and receive reward for. I think everyone knows the feeling of wandering in blind to what we hope is a good opportunity and working in good faith to see if we can achieve rewards. While the feeling is unsettling, this card is a good omen. It implies that hard earnest work will achieve massive rewards. Beyond the excitement and thrill of the candy in the pinata, there is a a ladder on the tree that will lead the child up to untold amounts of reward. Once I get the hang of this new project, taste the beginnings of rewards from it, the blindfold will come off (as I will have experience and know what I'm doing), and I'll be able to apply that knowledge easily to earn larger rewards.

Another thing this card points out that is important to nervous people like myself, is while we feel exposed and at risk during the beginning of our journey, we're not. Being in the dark and wandering around with a stick feels very scary. From viewing this card as an outsider though, I can see the danger to child (myself) is in is minimal. The ground is free of anything that may trip me, and the person pulling the string of the pumpkin while masked, is an impersonal obstacle. He has not targeted the child, and he doesn't care about the child's success or loss. He only cares about his specific job of moving the pinata up and down, there is no malice personal or otherwise from him, he is only doing his job to make sure those who hit the pinata have earned their rewards.

Six of Pumpkins: This reading was meant to be a standard three card pull, but as I was putting the deck away this one fell out and I decided to add it in. This does happen fairly often, whether it's because I have the world's smallest adult hands or because divine always has a little more to say than I intend to pull is immaterial as the cards always seem relevant and helpful. In this case the card is even in line with the suit my reading has been in.

This card re-emphasizes the unexpected success in the Ten of Pumpkins. The two cards diverge in where in the process they show me, as the Ten of Pumpkins shows me swinging blindly for reward, while the six of Pumpkins shows me already with these rewards in hand.

The concept that I will have more than enough is prevalent as the witch in the card is giving candy to trick or treaters without anxiety and there bowl she has is large and overflowing. This brings in a new element of the reading.  Once I have earned my rewards, I need to give back to the community which has helped me achieve success. I believe in charity, good work and giving back to the community both monetarily, through prayer/ritual, and in writing/giving shout outs/ adding positively to the discussion. This card is a reminder that achieving reward for hard work isn't the end of the journey, I have to remember to give back to my community and to give credit to all those who have helped me get to where I am.

Even though this is the beginning of my blog project and I have no following or anything but my writing and ideas right now, there are still people who have made this start possible without whom I'd never have attempted this. I need to keep those people in mind and remember to continue to support them. My mind wanders particularly to Jason Pitzl-Waters at the Wild Hunt who is the gold standard of pagan blogging and whom needs the community's financial support in particular right now (I've already donated if you have any income to spare go help Jason be independent pagan press, we need someone like him and his services working for us). My mind also wanders to Star Foster and her new blog Beyond Pink, she is currently transitioning in a huge move and life change. As someone who's done something similar I understand how much she needs community support. There are my gods, my guides, and a million personal people near me who have encouraged, bolstered, and otherwise helped me be at this juncture. I will strive to support them in their own projects and life paths as they have mine.

Over All Thoughts On the Reading:

This reading was heavily focused on both the creation of this new blog which is a baby I've been imagining for years and working towards actively for a few months, but it also drew in some interesting thoughts about maintaining my day job and keeping up relationships with people.  I liked the well rounded feeling of the reading. I like how it captured the mindset I had when I drew the cards and I thought that the advice was directly applicable to my life right now. While I was focused on today specifically, I did appreciate who the cards drew out what may be a possible outcome of my actions today.

An interesting thing to note is that while the reading starts out in the spiritual world and intangibles like inspiration and hope, it immediately grounds to the material work with pumpkins (pentacles in a traditional tarot). This shows that while the blog I'm starting may be about religion, god, and faith, there are specific material outcomes I want and there are direct steps I need to take to reach these goals. It won't be enough to connect to a divine line and write, I'll have to reach out to others to comment/read. I'll have to make writing tag lines that will pop on a search engine, and I'll have to create supporting media to bring others in. I have to do all this and balance working a full time 60-70hr a week job, keep up relationships with those close to me, and continue to practice as I see fit. It's a tall order, but it's something I'm going to try for.

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