Two weeks ago I got three quarters
through writing blog entry about how my perceptions of the weather
and reality are different. In this case I was writing about how
warmth and more daylight don't correspond and what that might me for
mean in my practice. I have to put some of that writing a side as
no longer relevant to the season or to my mind set. But the were a
few kernels I still thought were pertinent to my practice and perhaps
others.
I am not a farmer. I'm not dependent
on the state of the land, the weather, or my crops for life. While I
am effected as we are all effected by food shortage and drought it
will never be the way our ancient ancestors were. I personally will
probably never be living of the land in any way that resembles the
farmers or trappers of ancient times, where so much of our faith's
inspiration is pulled. Those mysteries are closed to me, are always
going to be closed. I get a lot from the land. I forage (or wild
craft or whatever we're calling it). I feel called to the land and
moved by it. My heart is utterly pagan and multiple with depths of
varying measures and traditions of both long lineage and dubious new
beginnings.
I've known I'm not a farmer and still
I've longed for lost knowledge. Perhaps it was my inner bookworm or
the selfish greedy bit of me. I used to think it was just my thirst
for knowledge, even as a little kid, I was creating binders and one
stop all information shops. I loved books and the kind of abstract
power they could give you. Now I've begun to see that part of me,
hoarding and demanding all the power as something within me that may
be slightly malicious. Sure, Know It All was always willing share
but she didn't just want to know some stuff of value, she wanted to
know it all, to be the source, and for others to have to come to her
to know it all, to be grateful. It's a little sick. Sometimes I see
Know It All's stamp on a blog post and wonder if I am truly
informing/trying to start a conversation or trying to be an
authority. It's hard to let go of that want and even harder to
recognize it driving me in ways that people would otherwise say are
good but to know the ends have a big Ego Goal waiting.
Funny how its this aspect of me that
I dote so much self love and value on that the Gods have never shown
much affinity for. There was a point where Their dismissive nature
regarding this aspect of me hurt. I was too vested in
being/gaining/growing authority through knowledge and grabbing at
what I could to have it. I couldn't see what was wrong about
knowing, about being able to consider all the angles, about having a
deep through passionate understanding of all aspects of the Gods'
traditions, desires, wants and needs.
They told me, it wouldn't have meaning.
I could know it and really never understand it. I've never be able
to use it or express it. Knowing these mysteries lost in part in
time but more so in life style shift which the mysteries did not grow
would be worthless to me and to others like me. They kept insisting
this was Knowledge I was not to have, that at best it would be
meaningless and at worst it would drive me mad. Since I thought not
knowing was driving me mad, I was able to pretty well ignore Their
underestimation of me. Besides, I've lived without gods, surely I
can gain a little information without Their approval? Doesn't there
have to be some text that hints to the path to gain mystery x or
can't I splice enough information together to spontaneously create
the path to mystery y? It had to be possible and attaining it could
only be a good thing.
I'm several years into creating my own
personal calendar based on the Wheel of the year as it applies to me
locally and am beginning to integrate Roman, Greek, and Etruscan
holidays and themes where I can. Just as it was clear to me that a
British seasonal calendar would not fit a southern location
seasonally and I'd have to alter things, I can see how the
Mediterranean weather is not 100% a match plus I can see how
socially, politically, ethically I am not where these ancient people
were and I don't necessarily plan to return to their state. Still
their religion was a living breathing shawl wrapping up their
realities. It's not something easily or entirely able to be
separated from their lives and as such some changes are inevitable.
I've come up with hundreds of uses and alternative rituals and
thoughts on when celebrating x or y holiday would be appropriate and
when it would not. I can feel the little pings of approval when I
grab an applicable droplet, and when I can sift the gold from the
silt. It has never silenced the part of self that thought we/I could
resurrect and modernize these faiths in a way that we'd all know what
Right.
This revelation about how I still have
trouble discerning aspects of time and weather has made it clear to
me just how different an era I live in. That I can argue the
semantics of daylight vs warmer weather and assign value and meaning
to each that is mostly personal and very little based on survival is
too far removed from the lives of some of my source material. They
knew and experienced things I won't be able to touch, and likewise I
know the divine in a way they could not. Our ways are just too
different. Our Gods might be the same and some of the feeling we get
could be the same but how we knew it and what we needed to know is
just different.
While I'll still study, research, and
reflect. There are just things I'll never know and for once that
thought isn't driving me face first into the books. It's a perfect
Imbolic present.