Two weeks ago I got three quarters through writing blog entry about how my perceptions of the weather and reality are different. In this case I was writing about how warmth and more daylight don't correspond and what that might me for mean in my practice. I have to put some of that writing a side as no longer relevant to the season or to my mind set. But the were a few kernels I still thought were pertinent to my practice and perhaps others.
I am not a farmer. I'm not dependent on the state of the land, the weather, or my crops for life. While I am effected as we are all effected by food shortage and drought it will never be the way our ancient ancestors were. I personally will probably never be living of the land in any way that resembles the farmers or trappers of ancient times, where so much of our faith's inspiration is pulled. Those mysteries are closed to me, are always going to be closed. I get a lot from the land. I forage (or wild craft or whatever we're calling it). I feel called to the land and moved by it. My heart is utterly pagan and multiple with depths of varying measures and traditions of both long lineage and dubious new beginnings.
I've known I'm not a farmer and still I've longed for lost knowledge. Perhaps it was my inner bookworm or the selfish greedy bit of me. I used to think it was just my thirst for knowledge, even as a little kid, I was creating binders and one stop all information shops. I loved books and the kind of abstract power they could give you. Now I've begun to see that part of me, hoarding and demanding all the power as something within me that may be slightly malicious. Sure, Know It All was always willing share but she didn't just want to know some stuff of value, she wanted to know it all, to be the source, and for others to have to come to her to know it all, to be grateful. It's a little sick. Sometimes I see Know It All's stamp on a blog post and wonder if I am truly informing/trying to start a conversation or trying to be an authority. It's hard to let go of that want and even harder to recognize it driving me in ways that people would otherwise say are good but to know the ends have a big Ego Goal waiting.
Funny how its this aspect of me that I dote so much self love and value on that the Gods have never shown much affinity for. There was a point where Their dismissive nature regarding this aspect of me hurt. I was too vested in being/gaining/growing authority through knowledge and grabbing at what I could to have it. I couldn't see what was wrong about knowing, about being able to consider all the angles, about having a deep through passionate understanding of all aspects of the Gods' traditions, desires, wants and needs.
They told me, it wouldn't have meaning. I could know it and really never understand it. I've never be able to use it or express it. Knowing these mysteries lost in part in time but more so in life style shift which the mysteries did not grow would be worthless to me and to others like me. They kept insisting this was Knowledge I was not to have, that at best it would be meaningless and at worst it would drive me mad. Since I thought not knowing was driving me mad, I was able to pretty well ignore Their underestimation of me. Besides, I've lived without gods, surely I can gain a little information without Their approval? Doesn't there have to be some text that hints to the path to gain mystery x or can't I splice enough information together to spontaneously create the path to mystery y? It had to be possible and attaining it could only be a good thing.
I'm several years into creating my own personal calendar based on the Wheel of the year as it applies to me locally and am beginning to integrate Roman, Greek, and Etruscan holidays and themes where I can. Just as it was clear to me that a British seasonal calendar would not fit a southern location seasonally and I'd have to alter things, I can see how the Mediterranean weather is not 100% a match plus I can see how socially, politically, ethically I am not where these ancient people were and I don't necessarily plan to return to their state. Still their religion was a living breathing shawl wrapping up their realities. It's not something easily or entirely able to be separated from their lives and as such some changes are inevitable. I've come up with hundreds of uses and alternative rituals and thoughts on when celebrating x or y holiday would be appropriate and when it would not. I can feel the little pings of approval when I grab an applicable droplet, and when I can sift the gold from the silt. It has never silenced the part of self that thought we/I could resurrect and modernize these faiths in a way that we'd all know what Right.
This revelation about how I still have trouble discerning aspects of time and weather has made it clear to me just how different an era I live in. That I can argue the semantics of daylight vs warmer weather and assign value and meaning to each that is mostly personal and very little based on survival is too far removed from the lives of some of my source material. They knew and experienced things I won't be able to touch, and likewise I know the divine in a way they could not. Our ways are just too different. Our Gods might be the same and some of the feeling we get could be the same but how we knew it and what we needed to know is just different.
While I'll still study, research, and reflect. There are just things I'll never know and for once that thought isn't driving me face first into the books. It's a perfect Imbolic present.